In the meantime — Chapter 1: Knowledge is like muffins
These past few weeks have been incredibly complicated to navigate through. Not because there is still a virus circulating in the world but because the current events in The Motherland and in Britain (where I have been living almost unscathed for the last four years and a half) reminded me that being a Black woman can be tiresome for obvious reasons and that racism is a worse and more dangerous pandemic than Covid-19.
It was hard at first to process all the feelings that comes with seeing in the news that yet another Black person has succumbed to police brutality, whether it was while jogging, shopping or simply sleeping in their own bed. It freaks you out, you start to think “Am I next?”. It may have happened in the United States but it doesn’t change the fact that I am scared that this will embolden the wrong people to attack me or anyone that looks like me for not being “one of their own”. It is a real fear that many, many people of colour face every day in United Kingdom, in France, in Germany, in Scandinavia, in Canada, in Kenya and so on. I am not joking, this is the kind of stuff that comes through our minds when we get ready for the day to come. For real. We are worried that anything wrong could happen to us simply because we don’t look the right way, talk the right way, love the right way, walk the right way or feel the right way. You can see people on the comment sections of newspapers dismissing shamelessly our fears and worries with whataboutisms is a proof that there is a hefty lot of work to be done for a better, safer and kinder society.
So no, the Coronavirus crisis didn’t give this world the soul searching it needed as we hoped, it just gave us a quick respite from greed. Look at how beaches are being polluted with litter, our streets have now a new kind of garbage in the form of face masks — you know, the ones so many countries struggled to get for their health services and other essential workers. Despite all of this, nobody will say a thing about the drunken hooligans who do nazi salutes next to a Churchill statue nor will they be angry that the political adviser of the Prime Minister drove nearly 300 miles to visit his mum when we were supposed to “stay at home, protect the NHS, save lives”. Ok, I get it now. Black lives don’t matter, but white tears do. Is that what you mean? If it does, can you explain to me why young men fought fascism overseas in the ‘40’s if it ended seing another one sweep the political institutions of Britain decades later or is it to let your local far-right snowflake urinate at the memorial of a policeman who saved lives during a terrorist attack? Is that what we can come up with as a civilised country?
Frankly, with all due respect, we are not more virtuous than the US. I keep hearing that Britain is better than the US, that Britain is more united than the US, which we could all agree that it is bullshit. Britain isn’t perfect, Britain is flawed AF, Britain did horrible things in the past and bred horrible people who went on being famous, Britain also has a problem with recognising that they fucked up in the past and that they still do. That’s why they speak so highly of the Queen, the World Cup of 1966 and Sir Captain Tom Moore (bless his heart!) but won’t condemn the death threats sent to MP Diane Abbott, the first Black woman elected as a member of Parliament and who represents Hackney North and Stoke Newington since 1987. Yep, she has held her seat for the past 33 years and keeps being elected at her job. But she gets abuse online and IRL, no matter how hard she tries at getting shit done. That’s why there is a sizeable portion of the British public who is getting tired of all of its injustice, who go to protest and social distance themselves while they can, who are starting to have those long overdue conversation on racial injustice and police brutality. That’s why it felt so good seeing on the few BLM protests I have been to that so many people from different walks of life screamed on the top of their lungs that ALL LIVES WILL MATTER WHEN BLACK LIVES FINALLY MATTER. More than ever, this is the type of voice we need to hear.
That was my two cents on what is happening around the world, basically. But I was about to talk about muffins actually. Because I made a few batches lately as I was trying to occupy my furloughed self during this pandemic. Sourdough starters are overrated, banana bread is so random; no, fam, the real deal is chocolate-hazelnut muffins made with a £1 cake mix from Tesco. Making those muffins while watching the best bits from The Daily Show and doing the dishes is the ultimate distraction from my usual binge watching of true crime documentaries, direct live from my bed sheets. Because that means I did a thing that involved standing up for more than two minutes and being a house fairy of some sorts. There’s also the moment when you eat your muffins and realised that you’re pretty good at cooking (even with the help of a cake mix) while automatically gives you pride endorphins shots deep inside. You might think of it as a shallow self-rewarding bid, I see it as a self-confidence builder. Potayto, potahto, rapsberries.
Another thing that boosted my self-esteem was the amount of books I added on my reading list and realising I own already some of those recommended books. The one I am reading at the moment is “Queenie” by Candice Carty-Williams and fuuuuuuuuck meeeeee, there is a lot to unpack there. I’m not gonna spoil you the whole book because 1°) I’m #TeamNoSpoilers and 2°) I’m halfway through it ; all I am going to say is that there is a lot of things that I can relate on and almost cried when the main protagonist goes through her memories. Every “been there, done that” moment that appeared throughout the reading broke my enlarged heart in pieces because, well been there, done that. I heavily recommend it though, it is one of those books that speak to you one way or another.
Using the easy way to bake muffins is exactly like educating yourself. Without a base, you wouldn’t know where to start and you need to base your knowledge onto something solid, otherwise it’s just going to be dirty and messy and gross. Yes, I use a cake mix to make my muffins but in the end, I use the same amount of patience and love into my baking and they end up being freaking delicious with Betty Crocker icing. It’s exactly the same thing when it comes to learning. You have to use pre-worded exercise books to know how to write first, the rest will follow after you gave yourself the space and patience to learn how to cross your T’s and dot your I’s. I give myself enough space and patience to read books and articles about race and gender inequality and how to be more actively anti-racist because there weren’t enough spaces in my schools about these subjects and my teachers then had no patience to explain to us why we don’t explore France’s colonial past or long-standing refusal to give French women basic rights. Because no one would be able to answer to my questions, I’d have to find the answers myself at the public libraries and bookstores in Paris. And now I do it here too.
There are a lot of things that I need to understand and learn about certain communities and the history attached to these communities so I can have an idea of where the discrimination they face come from and what is their effect in our lives, not only mine and my partner’s and how to tackle it as an ally. There is also a lot of things that I wish to share with the greater public about my community, the history of my ancestors and how it is affecting their lives as much as it does with mine and my partner’s. And I don’t think that there is anything wrong in wanting to know any better, as long as you are happy to work on it. I mean, my mum always told me that if you have to do something, you either have to do it the right way or not do it at all.
So, I’m going to work my big butt off to be an activist, to be part of the change my adoptive town and country so desperately crave and keep baking muffins in the meantime.
